Today I realized that I have lost the capacity to spend time alone and truly enjoy it. Pre-motherhood I could wander a store solo, spend an afternoon bike riding independently, read a book while lounging on my living room floor without anyone to talk to and truly feel at rest and at peace in my solitude. However, in the last five years I have slowly, without noticing, unlearned the art of quiet time.
Today when I left my house around noon, my two little ones entrusted to an awesome babysitter, I was looking forward to three hours of almost free time awaiting me in the big city, alone...able to shop and run errands without anyone complaining, whining, arguing, crying, etc. In theory this all sounded utterly blissful; in reality, it felt utterly lonely. I guess I have grown accustom to being a party of three. After spending the last two months as The Three Amigas, I feel a little lost when I do not have my girls in tow.
I guess there are two sides to this coin, two truths that must learn to coexist some how without canceling each other out. Truth 1: I am a mom and thus my heart is joined to my childrens' hearts. Being apart from them feels a little like leaving the house only wearing one earring or one shoe, uncomfortable and out of sorts. Second truth: I am an individual who needs time to recoup, think, run errands uninterrupted, sing too loud to the radio in the car with the windows down on back country roads where only the wind, dogs and cows can hear (Not that I do that. ;) , breathe, have time alone for me and God to chat. Not spending time alone with me, myself, and God feels a little like losing touch with an old friend, regretful and sad.
Answer: Not sure....but isn't the first step admitting the problem. On the road to recovery...one step at a time.
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