Who am I?

This morning, I was reminded of who I am NOT and I am so glad I was.  

I recently started reading a book, again.  I did not start reading a new book again, I literally started reading a book again, as in, the same book I started months ago and never finished.  A book that I have had sitting next to my bed for about three months; a book that I read chapter one of, loved, and then set down again for so long I had to dust it off prior to opening it, which may be more of a commentary on my cleaning capabilities than my dedication to enjoying the written word.  The book is title I Am Not, but I know I Am by Louie Giglio, and it is quite good. 

I made a commitment with myself to seek God in the morning, prior to beginning my day.  A commitment, if I am honest with you, I make about once a week and fail to follow through with because the house is cold in the morning, because the extra minutes I spend with my eyes closed buried in blankets after hitting the snooze alarm are some how more precious to my fleshy heart than much needed quiet time with the Almighty.  I don't write this to sound self righteous or holy in any way.  In fact, I am personally convicted because I feel empty and dry many days simply because I have allowed my spiritual engine to run out of gas. I am no mechanic, but I know what happens to my car if I do not take the time to fill it up.  It runs out of steam, of go, of movement capability.  I too, without spiritual fuel, run out of steam, of go, of movement capability.  I lose the ability to see God's plan and I begin to focus on the temporal, the small, the meaningless, the self.  So I made my grand plan, which I already confessed that I make once a week, and I announced it to my husband, the one who knows how much of a morning person I am NOT, and I went to bed .    I did not set an alarm, but with the help of a sick child, who caused just enough awareness in my subconscious, and the gained magic hour daylight savings time provided, I woke up about every two hours, which included 5:45 am.  Now at 5:45, I stayed up.  I took a shower and began to get ready for Monday, completely forgetting my appointment with God.  As I searched for my boots and warm sweater, I found the book.  The one mentioned above, the one I started and stopped and started again.  Suddenly, I remembered my grand plan, my empty gas tank, my dry bones and I stopped.  I read chapter two, and felt my empty tank fill.  God showed up for me.  My husband had told me Sunday night that if I seek God in the morning, I will find him.  I remembered this encouragement as I read chapter two.  The chapter about Who I am Not, about Moses, about the burning bush, about who my God is and what he is capable of and I found peace.  

Psalm 5 1-3
Give ear to my words, O Lord,
Consider my meditation.
Give heed to the voice of my cry,
My King and my God,
For to You I will pray.
My voice You shall hear in the morning, O Lord;
In the morning I will direct it to You,
And I will look up.


This morning I found such a sweet moment resting in the reality that I am not in control and the Great I Am is.  I am thankful for the sick child, the gained hour, the husband's exhortation, the Psalmist's example; all of the seemingly small human realities that I believe God used to encourage my divine appointment.  I am so glad that my God knows what I need and is willing to meet with me, willing to fill my spiritual tank and empower movement within my soul, again.

Now, I would like to report that this morning was so filling that I am in a good place, that I was ready to face the world and I met each situation today with zero frustration or desire for selfish gain, but I can't.  I still struggled today.  I still found myself thinking things I ought not.  I still wrestled with the sinful, spiteful flesh that I wrestle with daily, but I was more prepared for the wrestling.  The reality is the sweet quiet moment of peace was there, part of my day, a part that I miss most mornings.  A part that I need every morning.  I hope that I will continue to seek God in the morning, that I will not let the comfort and warmth of my bed win out over the time of fellowship that waits with my maker.  I hope that tomorrow I will direct my praise to the Lord and that I will look up.