Million Dollar View

When did preparing for vacation become so exhausting? 

When I was a little kiddle VACATION was one of my favorite words.  Vacation meant camping, Disneyland, the beach, grandma's house...the possibilities were endless and always exciting to think about and prepare for.   Like pizza on Friday nights, vacations never seemed like a bad idea.  Now, as a mother with small children, vacation isn't always a happy thought.  Just as pizza is no longer my first choice of food on a Friday night, vacations don't always sound like a good idea.  Not to sound negative but I now understand why my parents were happy to return home after a long week away in a motor home, tent, van, with three young children and the dog.  I now know why my mom seemed exasperated while preparing to leave and why my dad and her usually spent the first ten minutes in the car reviewing the mental checklist of things forgotten and reassuring one another that they didn't really need to bring that item after all.  I now understand the behind the scenes activities that accompany preparing for take off...even if it is just a road trip. 

Today, as my own family prepared for such a trip I took a moment to learn a lesson from my oldest little girl.  I was on the deck, soaking the flower buckets and checking on the tomatoes when I heard my Lily playing.  She was on the front stairs with a few toys, a couple stuffed animals and a bucket of dog food that she added a couple of cups of water to in an effort to make soup for her stuffed pets.  She was giggling and singing and telling her toys all about our exciting adventure to come.  I just stopped for a moment and listened.  It was like traveling back in time.  I immediately felt seven years old, barefoot standing on the warm summer driveway in the evening, watching my dad pack the car, day dreaming of all the possibilities that lay ahead.  For a moment I felt the care free excitement of childhood that allows one to truly experience all that life has to offer, free from the stress and worry that adulthood brings.

For a moment it was nice to see the world through the eyes of my little girl.  And you know what? Life looks pretty sweet through her eyes.

Step 1...

Today I realized that I have lost the capacity to spend time alone and truly enjoy it. Pre-motherhood I could wander a store solo, spend an afternoon bike riding independently, read a book while lounging on my living room floor without anyone to talk to and truly feel at rest and at peace in my solitude. However, in the last five years I have slowly, without noticing, unlearned the art of quiet time.

Today when I left my house around noon, my two little ones entrusted to an awesome babysitter, I was looking forward to three hours of almost free time awaiting me in the big city, alone...able to shop and run errands without anyone complaining, whining, arguing, crying, etc.  In theory this all sounded utterly blissful; in reality, it felt utterly lonely. I guess I have grown accustom to being a party of three.  After spending the last two months as The Three Amigas, I feel a little lost when I do not have my girls in tow. 

I guess there are two sides to this coin, two truths that must learn to coexist some how without canceling each other out. Truth 1:   I am a mom and thus my heart is joined to my childrens' hearts.  Being apart from them feels a little like leaving the house only wearing one earring or one shoe, uncomfortable and out of sorts.  Second truth:  I am an individual who needs time to recoup, think, run errands uninterrupted, sing too loud to the radio in the car with the windows down on back country roads where only the wind, dogs and cows can hear (Not that I do that.  ;) , breathe, have time alone for me and God to chat.  Not spending time alone with me, myself, and God feels a little like losing touch with an old friend, regretful and sad. 

Answer:  Not sure....but isn't the first step admitting the problem.  On the road to recovery...one step at a time.

Removing the weeds in love...

I find great fulfillment in pulling weeds....I know that sounds crazy, but I actually like the process, chore, job of going outside and spending some time yanking the little green monsters out of the ground.  It is quite satisfying to stop them from taking over and choking out my little tomato garden.  

Yesterday I was spending some quality time weeding while Joanna napped and I began thinking about God and me and weeds.  I began to think how God is the master gardener of my little life.  As sins crop up in my life, which they do daily, he comes in and helps me weed them out.   He would gladly pull them out by the root, ridding me of each specific sin permanently, but sometimes, unlike my tomato garden, I fight the gardener himself.  I hold on to the sin by the roots.  I won't let it go, and then I am left with that sin or weed that has only been scalped but not completely uprooted and soon, with time, it grows back.  I began to consider how frustrated God must get with me, with my sins, the weeds that grow back continually, then I had an epiphany.  I am never mad at my garden for having weeds.  I have never once thought, "Garden, how can you grow weeds, what is wrong with you?"  In fact, I know the weeds will come.  I expect the weeds to show up all summer long, and I find satisfaction in daily tackling the chore of weeding: removing the bad in an effort to allow the fruitful plants to flourish and provide my family with delicious tomatoes.

Life lesson learned while gardening:  I enjoy maintaining and caring for my garden.  God enjoys maintaining and caring for me.  While I do not like that weeds grow in my garden, I still love my garden in spite of the weeds.  While God detests the sins that grow in my life, he still loves me in spite of my sins and continually helps me rid my life of them. 

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

fried chicken, wind chimes, and hope...

Soooo frustrated today...  Nothing life altering, just general existing is hard kind of stuff. 

My day started at the dentist, 7 am, two fillings.  While in the dentist chair, I noticed a big blue ink stain on my favorite jeans, boo.  Vanilla Latte, a few moments of quiet in the car driving home, up and dressed before 8 am...I had big plans for a fabulous day despite the altered favorite jeans and the numb and tingling mouth.  When I arrived home, all was quiet on the western front.  The girls were still sleeping and Jason was preparing to leave.  I made him breakfast, we talked for a quiet moment, all was well with the world.  My little lady Lily seemed happy when she woke up but her inner ogre came out the minute we entered a public atmosphere. Forgot Joanna's diaper bag and shoes when we headed out today.  Despite these few set backs, I had a great time with Tina, Andrew, and Lareesa...Tie Dye Tuesday...running around Buhl for about two hours.  After a delicious lunch at Arctic Circle, where Lily displayed her lack of table manners for about half an hour, we ended up at the public library.  Inside the library my daughter became a quiet and peaceful child.  Everything was going well and after about thirty minutes of quiet time...Joanna decided that she needed to liven up the place.  It was time for the Richardson girls to head on our way.  I told Lily we needed to go, but she felt differently.  Not sure why, but a fit was had as we left the library...I have to say it was a very quiet fit, complete with silent foot stomping and dirty looks.  She waited to cry and scream until we got outside, very considerate of her.  I feel a small sense of accomplishment that she knows and observes the library rule of silence.  Skipped the grocery store, straight home, nap time...ya' right!  Both girls laid awake in bed for over half an hour.  Grumpy on the phone with Jason, skipped a fun BBQ with my BFF Tina, and decided, that for today, all hope was gone...a serious case of the poor me's!  Just when I was ready to give up, throw in the towel, cry (OK, so I did cry.)....Jason shows up with a wind chime for our garden, fried chicken for dinner, and the hinges I've been meaning to buy to hang this swing I bought for JoJo over three weeks ago.  Jason hung up Joanna's swing and I spent about an hour gardening while Lily pushed JoJo in her new swing.  The girls ended the day laughing and giggling together, happy ending after all.  Leave it to hope to show up looking like my husband, smelling like fried chicken and sounding like wind chimes.  

Chocolate Chip Pancakes...You say why, I say why not!

So last night I was able to spend a little one-on-one time with my mini-me Lily.  She and I had about two glorious hours together and decided to have what has now become our favorite dinner, chocolate chip pancakes.  I would like to tell you that she and I made them together, that she measured out each ingredient and clumsily added it to the mixing bowl.  I would like to tell you that she cracked each egg carefully, tongue sticking out for extra concentration power...I would like to, but I can't, because the truth is she watched a movie in the living room while I quickly made our delicious dessert/dinner in an effort to allow maximum relaxation time.  We did, however, eat the pancakes picnic style, on the living room floor, blanket and all.  Best part... "Mommy you are the bestest cook in the world.  I love your dinners."  Sweet moment, not just because of the food, but because of the company. 

True Freedom

Today in church I had a moment to reflect on the idea that freedom isn't free.  Everything costs, including our freedom here in America.  I am one who takes for granted, on a regular basis, the idea that I am free to worship my God in a public place without fear of harm against myself, my spouse, my children, my family.  Looking at my own little girls, I realize they are so blessed...they live in a country where they are given the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, upon birth.  It is hard to think that right now, people in other countries, at this very moment do not all live in the same freedom I do.  I think more about this freedom I have and while I am grateful for my practical freedoms I enjoy on a daily basis here in America, I realize that true freedom comes from Christ and a life in Christ alone.  My heavenly father tells me that

    ‘ You are My servant,
      I have chosen you and have not cast you away:
       ¹⁰ Fear not, for I am with you;
      Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
      I will strengthen you,
      Yes, I will help you,
      I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ 

That is true freedom to me...living without fear, because I know my God holds me in his hand.  Even though I hear those words in church and they comfort me....as an anxious mother of two,  I tend to worry.  Sometimes in the late hours of the night, anxiety creeps in and the what-if's take hold...what if my kids get sick, what if we can't pay all the bills, what if the sky falls...I begin to suffer from "The Chicken Little" syndrome.  You know, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling."

Joanna, at one year of age, has decided to become a mountain goat.  She climbs everything, the fireplace mantel, the coach, the kitchen chairs, the stairs, whatever "mountain" she can find, she must scale it without fear.  While she enjoys the climb, the adventure of it all, she does, sometimes, find herself stuck, at which point she does what most one year olds do, she yells mama or dada and expects one of us to come running.  The moments of fear she has encountered prompt her to yell out for help, assistance, and her one year old expectation is that one of her parents will come...because that is what we do.  She calls, we come running.  Even though, she has had moments of setback, times she has fallen, times she has been stuck crying for help, she does not stop scaling mountains.  She continues to move forward, full speed ahead, trusting her parents will help her, trusting that the adventure is worth the risk...I can learn a lesson from my little one.  I too need to climb mountains in search of God's plan...I too need to call out to my heavenly father when I am stuck or hurt...I too need to expect him to come running because he loves me that much.  He is there, I just need to seek him in faith each day, each moment.  Trusting in the Lord everyday, looking outward to others instead of letting my fears drag me inward to my worries. Living free...living in the Lord's grace.