I recently started reading a book, again. I did not start reading a new book again, I literally started reading a book again, as in, the same book I started months ago and never finished. A book that I have had sitting next to my bed for about three months; a book that I read chapter one of, loved, and then set down again for so long I had to dust it off prior to opening it, which may be more of a commentary on my cleaning capabilities than my dedication to enjoying the written word. The book is title I Am Not, but I know I Am by Louie Giglio, and it is quite good.
I made a commitment with myself to seek God in the morning, prior to beginning my day. A commitment, if I am honest with you, I make about once a week and fail to follow through with because the house is cold in the morning, because the extra minutes I spend with my eyes closed buried in blankets after hitting the snooze alarm are some how more precious to my fleshy heart than much needed quiet time with the Almighty. I don't write this to sound self righteous or holy in any way. In fact, I am personally convicted because I feel empty and dry many days simply because I have allowed my spiritual engine to run out of gas. I am no mechanic, but I know what happens to my car if I do not take the time to fill it up. It runs out of steam, of go, of movement capability. I too, without spiritual fuel, run out of steam, of go, of movement capability. I lose the ability to see God's plan and I begin to focus on the temporal, the small, the meaningless, the self. So I made my grand plan, which I already confessed that I make once a week, and I announced it to my husband, the one who knows how much of a morning person I am NOT, and I went to bed . I did not set an alarm, but with the help of a sick child, who caused just enough awareness in my subconscious, and the gained magic hour daylight savings time provided, I woke up about every two hours, which included 5:45 am. Now at 5:45, I stayed up. I took a shower and began to get ready for Monday, completely forgetting my appointment with God. As I searched for my boots and warm sweater, I found the book. The one mentioned above, the one I started and stopped and started again. Suddenly, I remembered my grand plan, my empty gas tank, my dry bones and I stopped. I read chapter two, and felt my empty tank fill. God showed up for me. My husband had told me Sunday night that if I seek God in the morning, I will find him. I remembered this encouragement as I read chapter two. The chapter about Who I am Not, about Moses, about the burning bush, about who my God is and what he is capable of and I found peace.
Give ear to my words, O Lord,
Consider my meditation.
Give heed to the voice of my cry,
My King and my God,
For to You I will pray.
My voice You shall hear in the morning, O Lord;
In the morning I will direct it to You,
And I will look up.
This morning I found such a sweet moment resting in the reality that I am not in control and the Great I Am is. I am thankful for the sick child, the gained hour, the husband's exhortation, the Psalmist's example; all of the seemingly small human realities that I believe God used to encourage my divine appointment. I am so glad that my God knows what I need and is willing to meet with me, willing to fill my spiritual tank and empower movement within my soul, again.
Now, I would like to report that this morning was so filling that I am in a good place, that I was ready to face the world and I met each situation today with zero frustration or desire for selfish gain, but I can't. I still struggled today. I still found myself thinking things I ought not. I still wrestled with the sinful, spiteful flesh that I wrestle with daily, but I was more prepared for the wrestling. The reality is the sweet quiet moment of peace was there, part of my day, a part that I miss most mornings. A part that I need every morning. I hope that I will continue to seek God in the morning, that I will not let the comfort and warmth of my bed win out over the time of fellowship that waits with my maker. I hope that tomorrow I will direct my praise to the Lord and that I will look up.