Morning coffee...Check...Morning Facebook check...Check....Morning email review....check...Morning strawberries smashed on table by two year old....Check...First of many daily kitchen cleanings...Check...Short, choppy conversation with my working husband about daily to do lists...Check...Diaper change...Check....Toaster waffles...Check...Clean up toaster waffles...Check....Realizing I am in a rut...CHECK...
Anyone else struggling with a case of the summer blues? The reality TV show, Facebook friend vacation photo, Travel brochure in the mail induced summer blues. It seems like the whole world is on vacation and I am still clipping coupons and cleaning house. (Ok, I lied about the coupon clipping; I gave up on that endeavor months ago.) I am feeling a little lost; okay, a lot lost. I am feeling overwhelmed by the everyday routine...the blah...the ennui...(pronounced "On-wee"...ninth grade vocabulary word from "The Most Dangerous Game"...French word for boredom...and I only know this because I used to teach ninth grade English...not because I remember my ninth grade vocabulary lists.) The problem is my present reality does not permit me to plan a vacation to Mexico...sorry Tina... :) So, if a trip South to sooth my soul is not the answer today, what is?
I recently listened to a young Christian discuss the feeling of spiritual height...The Mountain Top...experience as it is called. When life feels right with God and whole and happy. When you aren't looking around at others and wondering why their walk looks so easy and exciting and your own walk looks so difficult. When you are in love with your savior Jesus Christ and equally in love with what he is doing in your life right now. I have been there...and it is a good place to be. It is truly exciting, and fulfilling. However; inevitably with highs, come lows; with mountains, come valleys...and sometimes we walk through valleys and it is hard to see the sun.
The day my daughter Lily was born, I felt like all was right with the world. I felt like nothing else mattered and I felt like I would never feel dissatisfied again. If it is possible to claim, I was wrong and I was right at the same time. I was right in knowing that my world was forever changed and I was wrong to believe that dissatisfaction would never creep into my life again. A month later, after nursing, sleep deprivation, and spending an hour packing the diaper bag and changing the baby for a fifteen minute trip to the grocery store, I wondered if life would ever feel right again and if I would ever sleep again. My mountain top experience was followed by a deep valley of frustrating circumstances.
If my spiritual life is anything like my feelings the first month of motherhood, I know that the ebb and flow of the emotional tide will continue. I know that the cirumstances of my life inevitablly impact my perception of reality. My Christian walk is a mixture of spiritual highs and lows. Moments on mountains celebrating God's love and goodness as well as moments in the valleys asking the question most have asked in the quiet hidden places of our hearts: "Hello God, are you there?".
Truth: My God is an awesome God. Truth: Right now my life doesn't feel so awesome. Lie: If my life doesn't feel awesome than how can my awesome God love me? Truth: My feelings do not determine who my God is. Truth: Sometimes I don't believe the previous Truth.
Dare: To live a life believing my God is good and loves me even in the blah moments, the hard moments, the scary moments, the moments of frustration, the moments that life doesn't look so good. To see the Son even in the depths of life's valleys.