The edge of the world

Lately, I have been considering the act of prayer in my personal life: why I pray, how I pray, and when I pray.  It turns out that although I pray often, I do not pray intentionally.  Intentionally is a fancy way of saying with a plan and purpose.  The reality is, I usually pray in desperate, exhausted moments; after I have tried all other modes of fixing and have finally realized in my own strength I can do nothing about the current issue or situation.  I have a close friend who calls this moment: “coming to the end of one’s self.”  I like to think of it as: “the edge of the world moment.” 

You see, once upon a time, geographical experts believed the world was flat and you could in fact sail to the edge.   Not sure what they would find at the edge:  sea monsters, an awesome waterfall, the abyss; fear consumed them and they advised sailors not to push the boundaries, to stay out of uncharted territory.   Sometimes, I am like those so-called geographical experts; I too fear the edge of the world, metaphorically of course.  I too, advise myself to not travel into uncharted waters; to stay close to the known and to avoid the unknown.  The known, equals my control over a situation, or my imagined control over said situation.  The unknown is me letting God have the issue in prayer and not trying to control the situation. 

James 1: 2-8 says:

² Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. ³ For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. ⁴ So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

⁵ If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. ⁶ But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

How Branch Girls sail into
 uncharted territories

According to God’s word, I should let it go.  (Stop singing now!)  I should give to God intentionally, through prayer, all my troubles and I should ask for wisdom in how to deal with life’s trials.  You see, it is simple, but hard.  I simply go to God and tell him what I need and he handles it.  The hard part comes in verse six.  I am not to waver, to doubt, to be tossed by the waves of indecision.  I am to trust, to lean into God alone, not myself.  I am not the one who fixes, that is God’s job.  I am not the captain, I am simply a crew member.  I need to seek His plan first, then focus on carrying it out.  The secret is: One will never know his plan unless one seeks Him first.  That means I cannot develop my own plan to solve a supplication (fancy word for deep need), then go to God tell Him my plan and expect Him to act accordingly to my already decided solution. The crew member does not know better than the captain.  So here is the challenge:  Pray, seeking God’s guidance first and not your own.  Let your requests be known to God and wait on Him to guide your steps.  Sail into uncharted territory in your prayer life and let God map out your journey. 

The danger of looking out a bathroom window....

Once upon a time when I was thirteen I lived next door to someone who I believed to be the coolest person in the world.  He was older by four years and held movie star status in my mind.  My friends, in agreement with me, were slightly jealous that I was given the privilege to reside next door to someone so enchanting.   Not only was he the picture of perfection in our middle school minds, but he also had a built in swimming pool, which made him cool to every kid who lived on our street.  The craziest part was that he played baseball, which meant that all the baseball players from the high school team would come over to his house to swim. So here I am, and all my friends, in what we believe to be love with this boy, who has no idea we exist.  What to do?  The only logical thing, have sleep overs at my house and spy on the perfect boy next door.  The truth is, we were the original stalkers, with no aide of Facebook.  We figured out that if we stood on the toilet in my dad's office bathroom and stretched our necks out just right, we could see out the window and over the privacy fence that our back yards shared and spy on the coolest boys in our universe.  The boys so out of reach to our little preteen selves that they might as well have been stars in the sky or on the silver screen.  As they did back flips and tricks off the diving board, we watched in secret believing they were brave and reckless and cool.  Beyond silly were we, what do you expect from middle school girls?

Why am I telling you this highly embarrassing truth about myself; because life always looks better stretching your neck just right to peer over the privacy fence at the perfect picture next door.  The grass is greener mentality.  The truth is ugly, not perfect, no matter how it looks on the outside.  We live in a social network world that has trained us to Photoshop the truth and make it more beautiful than it is, and sometimes those peering in are stuck missing out and not realizing that the picture is just that, a picture. I was reminded of this reality today when I was drinking coffee and perusing Facebook and Instagram.  The pictures, the online scrapbooks of our lives, show the happy moments.  Now with Instagram we can even filter out fine lines and dark circles to improve our appearance just a touch more.  I do not write these words as one who does not buy in and even participate.  If I am honest there are times I have allowed the social network to creep in and do a number on my human ego.  I have been stuck in the "Look how thin she is, look where they have traveled, look how young he looks" state of mind.  It is as if a perpetual high school reunion is happening in my mind and I must keep that picture perfect image solid.

Then I am left with the question, why?  Why am I trying to keep the picture perfect, when I know that I am anything but?  Perfect will never be the picture of me, my life, my marriage, my children, my world.  I am left knowing that in my weakness, my God is strong. That even if I stand on the toilet and peer out the window coveting swimming pools and coolness, I am still the daughter of the King who owns the cattle on a thousand hills.

Looking cooler than we actually are.

I know these jumbled thoughts might make no sense to you, and seem like the unnecessary confession of a teenage truth that would have spared humiliation left unconfessed to cyberspace; but if you are struggling today, thinking that others' holiday season looked cooler on Facebook than yours, if you are peering out technology's window wishing you were living someone else's life, stop and know that you are important and God has a specific plan and purpose for you.  I plan to start the New Year not standing on toilets, not coveting swimming pools and enjoying the existence God has given me.  I'll post some pics on Facebook so you can peak through the window and over the fence.  I promise it looks cooler than it actually is.  :)

Who am I?

This morning, I was reminded of who I am NOT and I am so glad I was.  

I recently started reading a book, again.  I did not start reading a new book again, I literally started reading a book again, as in, the same book I started months ago and never finished.  A book that I have had sitting next to my bed for about three months; a book that I read chapter one of, loved, and then set down again for so long I had to dust it off prior to opening it, which may be more of a commentary on my cleaning capabilities than my dedication to enjoying the written word.  The book is title I Am Not, but I know I Am by Louie Giglio, and it is quite good. 

I made a commitment with myself to seek God in the morning, prior to beginning my day.  A commitment, if I am honest with you, I make about once a week and fail to follow through with because the house is cold in the morning, because the extra minutes I spend with my eyes closed buried in blankets after hitting the snooze alarm are some how more precious to my fleshy heart than much needed quiet time with the Almighty.  I don't write this to sound self righteous or holy in any way.  In fact, I am personally convicted because I feel empty and dry many days simply because I have allowed my spiritual engine to run out of gas. I am no mechanic, but I know what happens to my car if I do not take the time to fill it up.  It runs out of steam, of go, of movement capability.  I too, without spiritual fuel, run out of steam, of go, of movement capability.  I lose the ability to see God's plan and I begin to focus on the temporal, the small, the meaningless, the self.  So I made my grand plan, which I already confessed that I make once a week, and I announced it to my husband, the one who knows how much of a morning person I am NOT, and I went to bed .    I did not set an alarm, but with the help of a sick child, who caused just enough awareness in my subconscious, and the gained magic hour daylight savings time provided, I woke up about every two hours, which included 5:45 am.  Now at 5:45, I stayed up.  I took a shower and began to get ready for Monday, completely forgetting my appointment with God.  As I searched for my boots and warm sweater, I found the book.  The one mentioned above, the one I started and stopped and started again.  Suddenly, I remembered my grand plan, my empty gas tank, my dry bones and I stopped.  I read chapter two, and felt my empty tank fill.  God showed up for me.  My husband had told me Sunday night that if I seek God in the morning, I will find him.  I remembered this encouragement as I read chapter two.  The chapter about Who I am Not, about Moses, about the burning bush, about who my God is and what he is capable of and I found peace.  

Psalm 5 1-3
Give ear to my words, O Lord,
Consider my meditation.
Give heed to the voice of my cry,
My King and my God,
For to You I will pray.
My voice You shall hear in the morning, O Lord;
In the morning I will direct it to You,
And I will look up.


This morning I found such a sweet moment resting in the reality that I am not in control and the Great I Am is.  I am thankful for the sick child, the gained hour, the husband's exhortation, the Psalmist's example; all of the seemingly small human realities that I believe God used to encourage my divine appointment.  I am so glad that my God knows what I need and is willing to meet with me, willing to fill my spiritual tank and empower movement within my soul, again.

Now, I would like to report that this morning was so filling that I am in a good place, that I was ready to face the world and I met each situation today with zero frustration or desire for selfish gain, but I can't.  I still struggled today.  I still found myself thinking things I ought not.  I still wrestled with the sinful, spiteful flesh that I wrestle with daily, but I was more prepared for the wrestling.  The reality is the sweet quiet moment of peace was there, part of my day, a part that I miss most mornings.  A part that I need every morning.  I hope that I will continue to seek God in the morning, that I will not let the comfort and warmth of my bed win out over the time of fellowship that waits with my maker.  I hope that tomorrow I will direct my praise to the Lord and that I will look up.

Being a mom...Wow!  A peak into the heart of Christ.

So, I am a mom.  A MOM!!!! What?  When did that happen?  I don't know about you, but there are days I feel beyond ill equipped to play the role of some one's mother, some one's mentor, some one's care taker.

God has gifted me with two little girls, little angels, little wild live wires of energy; that sometimes laugh so hard they cry and sometimes cry so hard I cry.  The truth is...I am a mother and a daughter, a responsible adult and a fearful little girl.  There are days I walk through motherhood and feel so empty that a strong wind might blow me away, and there are days I feel so whole that a hurricane couldn't move me.

Truth:  It is hard to love a little child so much that you want to hold them tight forever, all the while knowing that one day you will have to let them go to be what God has called them to be.  

Rest:  Where I find rest in this reality of parenting, is in the reality that I also am constantly being parented.  Not by my earthly parents, although that happens occasionally, but by my heavenly father who loves my little ones beyond the love that I am capable of giving.


Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.  

Ephesians 1:1-2

Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. ⁸ But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love. John 4:7-8

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Effective parenting requires the love of Christ to run through us and to pour over our children.  Parenting is frustrating, exhausting, both encouraging and discouraging, losing, winning, sharing, hoping, changing, growing, bending and breaking and bending again.  Parenting is an act of growth in not only the children who are being brought up, but also in the one who is learning how to grow with them, the parent.  In my experience every day God uses my children to teach me something new about myself, about them, and about the love that God has for me.

Thank you God for my girls who are constant reminders that your grace is enough to sustain me and grow them.  

Nothing? Really?

Be anxious for nothing....

Nothing?  Really?  Ever?  What about when my kids are sick, or the bank account is empty, or the exam is too difficult, or the toilet over flows, or my mom is disappointed in me, or my kid is struggling in school, or my marriage is on the rocks, or my life is out of control and I can't do anything about it?  Is it even possible to be anxious for nothing?  I am not sure I have gone a day being anxious for nothing in my entire life.  In fact, I am not sure I have gone an entire hour without being anxious over something.  Truth is, if I am being honest, I struggle with the concept of trust, which is why anxiety visits me on a daily basis.  I have a hard time trusting that God will handle my life because I am afraid of the pain and loss that might come with his good and perfect plan.  Sooooo, now what?  What do I do to solve my anxiety issues?  I know, trust more.  How do I trust more in my own strength, when my own strength is insufficient?

^{Read Phillipians 4: 6-9 Below is the New Living Translation:}  

⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

⁸ And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ⁹ Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Formula for peace:  

1.  Stop worrying.

2.  Pray about everything.

3.  Include what you need in your prayer and thank God for all he has done.

_____________________________________________________________

= God's peace which will guard your heart and mind

I tend to run a little high on the anxiety scale, so some days I have to follow this formula throughout the day.  I have to repeatedly go to God about the issue and thank him for what he has done so far, ask him to continue working, and then I experience peace from Him.  Sometimes that peace lasts for hours, sometimes it lasts for minutes and I have to repeat the process.  Either way I grow.  I grow through resting in his perfect peace as he leads me through life's difficult moments.  I grow when I have to "wrestle" with Him and pray continually, hourly, moment by moment searching for that peace I know he will give when the time is right.  

It is kind of like the city of Jericho and the walls falling down.  Sometimes we need only go to God and he heals instantly, other times we may have to march around the city seven times before He causes that wall to fall down in our lives.  The marching isn't for him, it is for us.  The waiting isn't for him, it is for us.  God can create the universe with a word.  He is not baffled by how or when to solve our problems.  He is growing us through the marching, the waiting.  The question is are we willing to march?  Are we willing to hold on until he delivers us, or are we going to settle for a man made solution we develop through our own strength and will?  God has the whole picture, he sees the beginning and the end.  I read in the book The Awakening that we see from point A to B, problem to solution, while our heavenly father sees from point A to Z, the whole story of our lives and how each of our lives impact others.  Perspective changes everything. 

The reality is he will deliver us and He is faithful.  His character doesn't allow for anything else.  The question is are we willing to "be anxious for nothing" and choose to "wrestle in prayer" with our God or will we choose the alternative; a life ruled by anxiety and fear as we try to fix our issues in our own strength?  

This week's challenge:  

Pray using Philippians 4:6-8.  Experience God's peace.  Let Him guard my heart and mind.  

What is it about libraries?

Yesterday was one of those days with the kids...the days where everything starts off fine, but by late afternoon they are ready to explode.  Our house starts to feel like a cage and my little sweet ladies begin to take on characteristics of wild animals held captive.  What to do?  What to do?  Time to open the cage doors and run free.  The problem 97 degrees outside.  Too hot to play at the park, so we drive to town, trying to think of something to do, that only takes about half an hour between errands to tame my wild beasts.  A little voice in the back seat of my car has an idea...and it is a good one...the library.  

I don't know about you, but something happens to my heart when I walk into a library.  Surrounded by books, waiting to be checked out.  A world of possibility opens up and my heart begins to smile. 

 I see my little two year old find a book, sit at a table and begin to turn pages. When the book no longer holds her attention, after about 2 minutes of deep reading, she is up wandering.  She finds a stuffed animal in a basket filled with toys and then makes her way to a magnet board just her size with giant letters and begins to move and stick the letters... pure contentment.  My six year old finds a stack of Fancy Nancy books and she catches the same contentment that has overtaken my little one.  We run into good friends and talk about books to read and not to read, as well as movies to watch and not to watch.  My six year old follows her friend over to the movies and picks out a couple of DVDs...Yes, DVDs at the library...  My two year old finds the water fountain soaks her dress and is now ready to return to the hot car...cooled off for the ride home.  

The true magic of the library is just that...A car ride home, pre-dinner, without grumpy, whining children.  No fighting or bickering from the backseat.  No caged animals here, just two little ladies looking out the windows and and letting the wind blow through their hair. 

Peaceful, happy children and new books to read, without spending a dime.  (Ok, so I did have to pay $1.62 for late fees, but don't tell anybody.)   What could be better? 

Playing Truth or Dare...

Morning coffee...Check...Morning Facebook check...Check....Morning email review....check...Morning strawberries smashed on table by two year old....Check...First of many daily kitchen cleanings...Check...Short, choppy conversation with my working husband about daily to do lists...Check...Diaper change...Check....Toaster waffles...Check...Clean up toaster waffles...Check....Realizing I am in a rut...CHECK...

Anyone else struggling with a case of the summer blues?  The reality TV show, Facebook friend vacation photo, Travel brochure in the mail induced summer blues.  It seems like the whole world is on vacation and I am still clipping coupons and cleaning house.  (Ok, I lied about the coupon clipping; I gave up on that endeavor months ago.)  I am feeling a little lost; okay, a lot lost.  I am feeling overwhelmed by the everyday routine...the blah...the ennui...(pronounced "On-wee"...ninth grade vocabulary word from "The Most Dangerous Game"...French word for boredom...and I only know this because I used to teach ninth grade English...not because I remember my ninth grade vocabulary lists.)  The problem is my present reality does not permit me to plan a vacation to Mexico...sorry Tina... :)  So, if a trip South to sooth my soul is not the answer today, what is?

I recently listened to a young Christian discuss the feeling of  spiritual height...The Mountain Top...experience as it is called.  When life feels  right with God and whole and happy.  When you aren't looking around at others and wondering why their walk looks so easy and exciting and your own walk looks so difficult.  When you are in love with your savior Jesus Christ and equally in love with what he is doing in your life right now.  I have been there...and it is a good place to be.  It is truly exciting, and fulfilling.  However; inevitably with highs, come lows; with mountains, come valleys...and sometimes we walk through valleys and it is hard to see the sun.

The day my daughter Lily was born, I felt like all was right with the world.  I felt like nothing else mattered and I felt like I would never feel dissatisfied again.  If it is possible to claim, I was wrong and I was right at the same time.  I was right in knowing that my world was forever changed and I was wrong to believe that dissatisfaction would never creep into my life again.  A month later, after nursing, sleep deprivation, and spending an hour packing the diaper bag and changing the baby for a fifteen minute trip to the grocery store, I wondered if life would ever feel right again and if I would ever sleep again.  My mountain top experience was followed by a deep valley of frustrating circumstances.

If my spiritual life is anything like my feelings the first month of motherhood, I know that the ebb and flow of the emotional tide will continue.  I know that the cirumstances of my life inevitablly impact my perception of reality.  My Christian walk is a mixture of spiritual highs and lows.  Moments on mountains celebrating God's love and goodness as well as moments in the valleys asking the question most have asked in the quiet hidden places of our hearts:  "Hello God, are you there?".


Truth: My God is an awesome God.  Truth: Right now my life doesn't feel so awesome.  Lie:  If my life doesn't feel awesome than how can my awesome God love me?  Truth: My feelings do not determine who my God is.  Truth:  Sometimes I don't believe the previous Truth.

Dare:  To live a life believing my God is good and loves me even in the blah moments, the hard moments, the scary moments, the moments of frustration, the moments that life doesn't look so good.  To see the Son even in the depths of life's valleys.