Playing Truth or Dare...

Morning coffee...Check...Morning Facebook check...Check....Morning email review....check...Morning strawberries smashed on table by two year old....Check...First of many daily kitchen cleanings...Check...Short, choppy conversation with my working husband about daily to do lists...Check...Diaper change...Check....Toaster waffles...Check...Clean up toaster waffles...Check....Realizing I am in a rut...CHECK...

Anyone else struggling with a case of the summer blues?  The reality TV show, Facebook friend vacation photo, Travel brochure in the mail induced summer blues.  It seems like the whole world is on vacation and I am still clipping coupons and cleaning house.  (Ok, I lied about the coupon clipping; I gave up on that endeavor months ago.)  I am feeling a little lost; okay, a lot lost.  I am feeling overwhelmed by the everyday routine...the blah...the ennui...(pronounced "On-wee"...ninth grade vocabulary word from "The Most Dangerous Game"...French word for boredom...and I only know this because I used to teach ninth grade English...not because I remember my ninth grade vocabulary lists.)  The problem is my present reality does not permit me to plan a vacation to Mexico...sorry Tina... :)  So, if a trip South to sooth my soul is not the answer today, what is?

I recently listened to a young Christian discuss the feeling of  spiritual height...The Mountain Top...experience as it is called.  When life feels  right with God and whole and happy.  When you aren't looking around at others and wondering why their walk looks so easy and exciting and your own walk looks so difficult.  When you are in love with your savior Jesus Christ and equally in love with what he is doing in your life right now.  I have been there...and it is a good place to be.  It is truly exciting, and fulfilling.  However; inevitably with highs, come lows; with mountains, come valleys...and sometimes we walk through valleys and it is hard to see the sun.

The day my daughter Lily was born, I felt like all was right with the world.  I felt like nothing else mattered and I felt like I would never feel dissatisfied again.  If it is possible to claim, I was wrong and I was right at the same time.  I was right in knowing that my world was forever changed and I was wrong to believe that dissatisfaction would never creep into my life again.  A month later, after nursing, sleep deprivation, and spending an hour packing the diaper bag and changing the baby for a fifteen minute trip to the grocery store, I wondered if life would ever feel right again and if I would ever sleep again.  My mountain top experience was followed by a deep valley of frustrating circumstances.

If my spiritual life is anything like my feelings the first month of motherhood, I know that the ebb and flow of the emotional tide will continue.  I know that the cirumstances of my life inevitablly impact my perception of reality.  My Christian walk is a mixture of spiritual highs and lows.  Moments on mountains celebrating God's love and goodness as well as moments in the valleys asking the question most have asked in the quiet hidden places of our hearts:  "Hello God, are you there?".


Truth: My God is an awesome God.  Truth: Right now my life doesn't feel so awesome.  Lie:  If my life doesn't feel awesome than how can my awesome God love me?  Truth: My feelings do not determine who my God is.  Truth:  Sometimes I don't believe the previous Truth.

Dare:  To live a life believing my God is good and loves me even in the blah moments, the hard moments, the scary moments, the moments of frustration, the moments that life doesn't look so good.  To see the Son even in the depths of life's valleys.

The ugly beautiful...

So I have been reading this book...

One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp,and just in case you were wondering, the cover doesn't normally come splattered in water color paints; that is the special touch of my little Joanna, one and already an artist.

For me this book has not been a quick read.  I bought this book back in June or July and I still have two chapters left to read.  In my case, it has been one of those books you pick up and read a chapter of...cry, think, ponder, search out the scriptures that are brought up, remember the Bible stories from Sunday school alluded to, and put down for a week, a month...then pick back up and start the process again. Some books I finish in days, hours, unable to stop reading them...not this one, not this book, and that is not because it is not well written, interesting, thought provoking, or inspiring...It is because it is personal, touching, and a book, for me, that takes time to process.  I think God knew this book would be good for me to read.  It is about trusting the Lord, and learning to practice thankfulness in an effort to build that trust with him.

So here I am reading a chapter on what the author calls "The Ugly Beautiful" and I get Strep Throat.  Now mind you, my family has, like many other families with small children, been battling illness since Thanksgiving.  Not terrible, life threatening illness; but the uncomfortable, up late at night, cranky toddler, ear infection, sick husband with Strep Throat, tired kindergarten with stuffy nose type of  illness, and to be honest, I am literally sick of it.  So when I had a little scratchy throat Thursday night I thought, not now, not me, I don't want to be sick.  I tried to will it away, pray it away, negotiate with God, "You know I don't have time to be sick.  Wouldn't it be better if I just felt better and could do all the things I need to do tomorrow.  I have Bible Study in the morning, groceries to shop for, high schoolers coming to my house for a bon-fire in the freezing cold...No time for the ugly illness to start now..."  God didn't agree with that because as the night progressed the little tickle in my throat began to feel like shards of glass every time I swallowed and I was awake and angry...I knew what this was, I knew it would require a trip to the doctor, antibiotics, and time...precious, precious time doing what I didn't want to do, feeling like I didn't want to feel.  I didn't see any beauty in this ugliness and I wasn't thankful at all for my soar throat.

The ugly beautiful:  I made the phone call to the doctor's office and asked for a same day appointment, to which the receptionist at first said  impossible, then thankfully found a 3 o'clock for me. My husband drove me to the doctor, went grocery shopping with Joanna while I was there with Lily and then took me to get a shake to numb my throat while we waited on my prescription.  The doctor prescribed Lily antibiotics as well without doing a Strep test, which she greatly feared, because she had all the same symptoms I did.  This meant not having to make a second trip to the pediatrician which was a huge blessing.  When we all arrived home, I laid on the couch while Jason made pizza with the girls.  As I laid there, I saw it, the beauty in the ashes...If I hadn't been sick, I wouldn't of had this moment of watching my husband, wearing an apron

covered in cherries that Lily picked out for him toss pizza dough in the air while both my little ladies stood on chairs at the counter assisting their daddy.  If I hadn't been sick, I would not have experienced the thoughtful care my husband took of me while I felt physically miserable.   To be honest, I laid there on the couch and felt completely satisfied with the moment and thankful for the momentary illness that brought my family together on a Friday afternoon to make pizza.  Thank you lord for the ugly beautiful and for books that are written to remind us of your faithfulness.

Today I was "That Lady"...

Today I was "That Lady..."!  You know the one.  The one who can't control her wild children.  The one who takes overly tired babies out and about at nap time.  The one who makes a scene, makes a mess, makes noise.  I was her.  I will admit, this is not the first time I have been her, nor will it be the last, however, today I was her with an exclamation point.

It all started at the dentist appointment, that I thought I was 15 minutes late for, but I was actually 15 minutes early for.  This early arrival was a pleasant surprise, a mini-miracle in my world.  A moment to thank God for my forgetfulness and feel blessed.  I spent the next 15 minutes relishing the feeling of being on time, which is a rare feeling for me to experience.  All seemed well with the world.  My two calm, well behaved children playing in the super cool kid friendly dental office complete with train traveling a track suspended from the ceiling, my insurance card tucked safely in my wallet when needed by the receptionist, and the cherry on top, I even brought a pen to fill out the forms.  Super mom right...hahahaha.

I am glad I enjoyed my moment of super-mom-ness...because suddenly I went from super hero to super zero.

Although my Lily has the sweetest smile, she has terrible teeth.  On the outside they look fine, but hiding between her molars are cavities...many, many cavities.  She has had dental work done before, she knew what was coming and she was the picture of control until the teeth cleaning began.  All of a sudden panic grips my child and the poor dental hygienist can't come near Lily without causing her to cry loudly for all the other children to hear.  Needless to say she survived the teeth cleaning, but not without a final freak out when the dentist tried to put a smear of fluoride on her teeth.  And the icing-on-the-cake of Joanna crying for a sucker and Lily screaming in terror over fluoride goo...a cavity...right between, you guessed it, the molars.  The dentist also made sure to call it a "flossing cavity", as in, "You should be flossing your child's teeth lady." (Ok, so maybe he didn't mean that, but in my mom brain that is what I heard.)  

After leaving the dentist, we continued to make our scene in stores around town.  The quick stops, the unneeded stops, the "Oh while we are in town I would like to" stops...which finally ended with Jo-Jo screaming so loudly in a checkout line that the manager brought us a toy to try and keep her quiet.  I am sure as I walked out the door..."That lady"...and ..."Some people"....were phrases uttered by a few of my fellow shoppers.

So there it is...my day in a nut shell...A morning of Patience Tested, wrapped up with a side of Humility.  As we drove home from the big city both of my exhausted, frustrated angels feel asleep.  I was listening to a local Christian radio station and a song came on that I desperately needed to hear...
"Where I belong" by Building 429.  Tears filled my frustrated, tired, eyes and the song reminded me that this is not my home...All I need is Jesus and to him I am not...That Lady who failed to floss her child's teeth, That lady who couldn't calm the angry toddler in the check out line, That lady who is only on time when she forgets what time her appointment is.  I am his daughter, I am loved no matter how much I fail to meet the mark, I am his.  I am "That lady who is saved."

P.S.
Here is the song that melted my heart and reminded me that this world, with all its cavities, is not my home.      


http://youtu.be/lOtsB4O1p3o

Lights Out...

So last night I had big plans.  Jason went to the high school all-nighter with the youth group and I for the first time decided to not participate.  Motherhood has taught me that all-nighters come more frequently than once a year and are a lot less fun than midnight bowling so I decided to stay home with my girls and sleep.

My plan:  To put the two little ladies to bed around 8:30, mop the floor, and stay up late watching all the girl movies from the Red-box at Ridley's that no one else in my family currently appreciates.

So dinner was done, and mostly cleaned up.  Joanna was in her PJ's headed to bed and Lily was watching Tangled when the wind started howling, and rearranging the furniture on the deck.  Lily and Joanna were freaked out and I was reassuring them it was all going to be fine when the lights began to flicker...once, twice... then out.

All of a sudden my two little freak outs became big freak outs.  Windy, stormy night is not usually a favorite with little girls, and the cherry on top, pitch black house when Dad isn't home, equaled total panic.  Now, if you know me, you know that I am a total scaredy-cat.  I am not a fan of scary movies, or the dark.  I love light.  I love sunshine. I love moonlight, but only romantic strolling on the beach moonlight, not dark stormy night moonlight.  So here I am, home alone with two little kids, and to be completely honest totally freaking out on the inside myself.  On the outside though, "I am woman hear me roar."  I am calm, reassuring.  Finding candles and flashlights while hold one child and trying to hug the other clinging to my side in terror.

Needless to say, we had to walk downstairs and to the garage to find a flashlight...both girls and the dog came with.  Needless to say my floors didn't get mopped because when the power came back on at 10:30 (approximately 3 hours later)  Lily sat up from under her blankets of protection and proclaimed "Hallelujah", then refused to leave my side in case it happened again.  So there we sat on the coach, snuggled together, while Joanna slept in her crib...trying to follow a movie that I think I watched less of than Lily.  Needless to say, my girl's night movies were left unwatched and will probably return to the their Red Box home just the way they came, unwatched and unappreciated by the Richardson household.

And even though, my night of clean floors, rest, and relaxation turned into coloring on the coach with flashlights and singing "Jesus Loves Me" a few times while pretending to not fear the storm outside and the dark inside, I am blessed.  I am blessed to have a healthy six year old who trusts me to protect her from the dark and her fears.  I am blessed to have a home that keeps the wind and cold at bay when the storms rage.  I am blessed to have friends to call and chat with to keep my mind off the fear when the dark seems too big and my side kick is hiding under a blanket, but most of all I am supremely blessed to have a savior who does love me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there 
is no darkness at all. 


1 John 1:5

So, about last night....

At 11:45 pm on Saturday night...

Last night was one of those nights.  One of those nights where your kid throws up on someone else's living room floor.  One of those nights where you sit in an empty waiting room for the Dr. to tell you it isn't Strep Throat and you probably should of just went home and put your kid to bed.  One of those nights when your big grown up six year old all of a sudden becomes your little baby again.  

As I sat there, for an hour, in the empty waiting room, watching my little lady sleep...I realized once again how precious she is, how fragile she is, how sweet she is, and just how much my heart aches with love for her.  

So...I took a picture.  Maybe that is weird, but all at once I was flooded with the feeling that right now won't last very long and I wanted to save this moment for later, because soon she will be too big to carry to the car, soon she won't have me drive her to the Dr., soon she will be all grown up to the outside world, but to me she will always be my little lady Lily.  

Thank you God for my sweet girls, in sickness and in health. Amen.     

Where did my "Thankfulness" go?

Every year, around Thanksgiving time, I feel very blessed.  I can easily, without much effort, rattle off a list of people, places, and things I am truly thankful for:  my sweet family, my warm cozy house, my slippers, anything flavored with pumpkin spice...

I am very blessed and very cared for...but something happens to me the minute I start reading the Black Friday ads...my thankfulness disappears and I develop a case of the wants.  I try to dress this condition of greed up by telling myself I will be shopping for others, for Christmas presents, for my sweet family I mentioned earlier, but that is not entirely true.  I like the shopping, the getting, the possessing of material things that are pretty, cool, fun, attractive to my eye.  I struggle with materialism.  I am greedy....and deep down this greed, left unchecked, has the ability to crush my thankfulness. 

My plans were to shop...to buy fun things...to spend money that was better left unspent. 

God's plans were for me to care for my sick family. 

So this year I am thankful for Strep Throat and an ear infection.  Both of these conditions forced me to avoid feeding my greed in an effort to care for my loved ones.  Nothing like illness to produce a sudden realization of the value of health.  Both my husband Jason and my littlest kiddle Joanna were sick on Thanksgiving....Joanna with the ear infection and Jason with the Strep.  Both were miserable...and both needed my care for about two and a half days....about the exact length of the amazing Black Friday Sales.

Even though things didn't go as planned, I still had the opportunity to eat delicious food at my mom and dad's, visit with my FABULOUS in-laws, spend time with my sweet little Lily, watch movies with Jason and hold my baby JoJo for extended periods of time which she normally doesn't allow now that she is a toddler.  All in all Thanksgiving was ok, and I am even more thankful now that my family is healthy again.
 

Lily's turkey hand...love this!

My hero...

Not only is my husband Jason funny, smart, hardworking, and incredibly good looking...but it turns out he is a super hero.  Like Peter Parker or Clark Kent he may look like an average everyday kinda guy, but in the event of an emergency he develops super powers and saves trapped hunters from raging river waters. 

Today, like most Saturdays, my husband got up in the wee small hours of the morning to hunt ducks on the Snake River.  This year has been especially exciting because he not only has built a duck blind on a small rock island located in the middle of the river, he also is keeping a chart to record the results of each hunting trip.  Yes, he is completely obsessed with duck hunting, and I am completely not.  From fall to winter Jason lives for Saturday morning hunting trips.  It is a scheduled weekly event, no questions asked, every Saturday you can find him on the river, shot gun and duck calls in hand.  

This Saturday he of course went hunting...he returned home around noon...he cleaned ducks...he came upstairs looking for something to eat.  Pretty routine, nothing out of the ordinary, until the phone rang.  My parents called, they live on the river, right above the rapids...my dad's question:  "Did Jason leave one of his hunting buddies behind?"  Followed by...."This guy is stranded on the rocks right above the rapids."  My parents had called 911 in the hopes that someone could help this guy out. 

About 10 minutes later my mom calls back and asks Jason to come over.  When Jason gets there about 20 emergency workers have arrived:  EMT's, QRU's, Police officers, Fish and Game, Fire Department, etc.  I should mention that when Jason left he promises me he wouldn't get in the water, no river rafting for him. 

I head over to my parents about 10 minutes later to find Jason down with the emergency workers helping develop some type of plan.  The plan ends up being Jason and an EMT will head across the river in Jason's boat, tie the boat off on the opposite shore and float the empty boat out to the stranded man.

So here we are...on my parents deck...watching Jason and an EMT float closer and closer to the rapids, they find the opposite shore...get out of the boat and begin tying it off.  No problem so far...however, somehow, the plan changed.  Next thing I know, Jason is in the boat rowing directly towards the rapids and the guy stranded on the rock.  When Jason reaches the man, who at this time has been on the rock for about two hours, the exhausted, soaking wet hunter jumps in the boat.  The boat rocks a little...my heart stops a little...the EMT, on shore, begins pulling the boat, which is tied off still up river.  For the next couple minutes my father-in-law Eric, who also came by to watch the excitement unfold, assures me over and over again that Jason will be fine, and low and behold after about three minutes of anxiety, Jason and the hunter are sitting on the shore safe and sound. Praise God!

My husband, the river guide, saved the day.  Who knew that all of Jason's hunting adventures have been but training for life saving.  To the world he may seem like an average, normal everyday kinda guy, but to me he is a super hero in disguise.